on being alone.

last night, i went to a show at the Middle East in Boston. After walking through sexual harassment Central, I finally found the place and the proceeded to wait a good half hour for my friends to get there while they were out on their respective dates. I stood in the middle of the restaurant area for a good ten minutes and felt ridiculously awkward, so I decided to go wait outside and make a few phone calls in the mean time. Of course, nobody answers, and I suddenly have a homeless woman asking me for money and it suddenly hit me.

I am always by myself. Literally. Any social event, any sort of...anything! I always wind up walking through cities completely alone at night; I go on dates with guys & they try to do things like take me into the woods to drink beers (hence why I am Single); I am most often alone in my house when I'm not at work, running solo during my runs, running errands by myself, eating lunches and dinners and drinking coffees and beers and wines with myself, cooking by myself, singing by myself, working by myself, sleeping by myself, shopping by myself.

This has been a year of serious Alone Time with myself. I'm ready for it to end.

After everyone finally got there & I'd spent enough time alone with myself in public in what I realized was an incredibly bad area, the night turned out to be so eye opening for me. I ran into old Ithaca friends I hadn't seen since graduating; my high school friends met my college friends, and everyone had some sort of 6th degree of separation and turned out to get along really well, and the band was fantastic. Of course, I looked around and realized every person around me was coupled off with a Significant Other of some sort. Naturally, I felt a twang of Alone once again, but it was okay because I'm so used to this. I mean, maybe it's who I am. A solo runner. I can't say I'm not happy - I've learned to become so content with myself, and with entertaining myself and just with Being Myself. But at one point, I just looked around and wondered how on earth was every person around me finding all this love and excitement and complete wonder in some other person? Like, this still happens? How? I want to know how. Part of me is so terrified that I am incapable of falling in love, of ever letting anybody get that close to me. I can't help but wonder what it's like. & part of me is so terrified because I feel as though this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Falling in love. Letting someone in.

Now, my nights never end without some sort of awkwardly strange encounter with a potential for filling this Love void, as I'll call it. As I'm looking around realizing I am the tenth wheel here, I do happen to notice a relatively attractive guy across the room. About an hour later, I realize he is standing right behind me. Another ten minutes later, he's standing right next to me. Now, I never assume a guy is interested in me, because whenever I do, I'm always wrong & it winds up being embarrassing. So I was sure to ignore him and figured if he wanted to talk to me, he probably would. Five minutes later, he turns to me and says something completely incomprehensible, so I yell, "What??"

And he turns to me and says, "this is going to sound really weird. But could I offer you a piece of gum??"
"uhh.... sure?" Do I have bad breath? Most likely. I was drinking a beer, after all.
"oh no, you don't have bad breath at all, but I just have a hyper sensitivity to breath and I'm a very breath conscious person."

I'm pretty sure this guy was incredibly stoned, but we actually did have a good time. Because he was even more awkward than I am, it actually worked out quite well, conversation wise. Of course, though, I meet someone who's very breath conscious, of all things. Good thing?

Looking back on my dating patterns, this shouldn't have been anything out of the ordinary. In fact, this conversation starter, along with the fact he proceeded to do the hand jive after this, was possibly very normal. I've been on (more than one) date where a guy attempts to bring me into the WOODS of all places to drink beer (this occurs on very formal dates), or to "go see a really cool spot" at midnight in, of course, the middle of the woods. I've had men pick me up to take me out to a movie, or to dinner, only to find they are completely and utterly trashed to no end, or if I'm really lucky, high on coke. I've been left at a mechanic in the middle of nowhere upstate New York; I've been slammed against a brick wall and I know how a firm grip bruises; the only Valentine's Day dinner I've ever been on, I paid for because the guy was broke and apparently coked out, his eyes popping out of his head- he couldn't even look at me; I've been cheated on, & I've more than once unknowingly been the girl he's cheating with; I've seen some dark places, far worse.

So as I walked to the T at midnight, alone in Central after a night of being surrounded by people but estranged from the love connections occurring around me, (aside from Breath Boy, of course), it hit me, along with the bitter cold, that here I am, walking alone yet again. And this time, I really don't think I should be alone. And as I walked by men who got in my face and told me I was pretty and made moaning noises at me, I began to run. I could hear men laughing at me. I ran, and the T was so far away, and their noises and actions and words came hurtling at me, and one of them even tried to follow me. And it was just laughter and cold and this panicky fear I've only felt a few times, the kind of fear that clutches your chest and shakes you; it's raw.

I was terrified. And I realized, (safely?) on the T, that I really should not be alone. Not anymore. Not on nights like these.

Why is it that I increasingly find myself alone in dangerous situations? Why, at age 23, with a (usually) level head and a body I care about and goals and financial independence and passion for life and an education, am I walking down these dark streets and into subway stations and emptied parking garages, alone at midnight? Why am I paying for coffees and paying for dinners and driving to the ends of the earth and calling to say hello all while sitting and waiting for the phone calls that never come?

The sad part is, I know how lucky I am. How easy I have it. But I speak on behalf of all girls who find themselves walking alone at night, running from men, being stood up under restaurant awnings.